This is scroll work on fondant. It could of course be done in a color or a different style, like up from the bottom more like the picture. also if you have scroll work on your dress we could match the pattern.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
More stupid people
Start at the beginning
I wish the world could grasp the idea of being truthful. All abnormality draws some kind of attention. Children stare; seriously though that is so much more honest that adults that try to sneak peaks.
I needed to go and be normal. A place to be loved beyond appearance a place to become comfortable before going "public" with my new hand. No one had seen the amputation and It was out there now no more bandages It was what it is, abnormal. I was getting ready to go to Abilene for a weekend to see my parents and get away. I needed to be alone, get used to it, and learn what it would be like in public around strangers before I dealt with friends. First, however Tim and I were going to have date night and drop off some cookware left from a friend who had brought us dinner.
She answered the door and immediately started a new version of the all familiar "boob glance."
You know back in high school when the guys are really trying to look you in the face but their eyes just can't stay there. It's like you can read their mind:
Stop looking at her boobs,
but they're so nice,
Stop it,
but they're big and round,
Stop she'll notice,
But I really like them
STOP
I want to touch...
NOOOO!!!
That is what this was like, except that the distance from eyes to hand is far greater than from eyes to boob so as she was glancing back and forth at my new finger it was insanely obvious!I wanted to hold it out there and say Just tell me when you're done so you can focus on our conversation but I didn't.
Seriously, what is so hard about saying "can I see it?" Then you can say something sympathetic and avoid looking stupid and I don't feel nearly as much like a freak and everything goes back to normal so much quicker.
More
I wish the world could grasp the idea of being truthful. All abnormality draws some kind of attention. Children stare; seriously though that is so much more honest that adults that try to sneak peaks.
I needed to go and be normal. A place to be loved beyond appearance a place to become comfortable before going "public" with my new hand. No one had seen the amputation and It was out there now no more bandages It was what it is, abnormal. I was getting ready to go to Abilene for a weekend to see my parents and get away. I needed to be alone, get used to it, and learn what it would be like in public around strangers before I dealt with friends. First, however Tim and I were going to have date night and drop off some cookware left from a friend who had brought us dinner.
She answered the door and immediately started a new version of the all familiar "boob glance."
You know back in high school when the guys are really trying to look you in the face but their eyes just can't stay there. It's like you can read their mind:
Stop looking at her boobs,
but they're so nice,
Stop it,
but they're big and round,
Stop she'll notice,
But I really like them
STOP
I want to touch...
NOOOO!!!
That is what this was like, except that the distance from eyes to hand is far greater than from eyes to boob so as she was glancing back and forth at my new finger it was insanely obvious!I wanted to hold it out there and say Just tell me when you're done so you can focus on our conversation but I didn't.
Seriously, what is so hard about saying "can I see it?" Then you can say something sympathetic and avoid looking stupid and I don't feel nearly as much like a freak and everything goes back to normal so much quicker.
More
What do you mean by 'ready'
Start at the Beginning
"Are you ready for this?" Tim said as he prepared to unwrap the middle finger. I don' t remember if he had seen it before then or not, but it didn't matter if I was ready so I responded in the affirmative and he unwrapped it.
I think we both quit breathing for a moment. I left the bathroom and moved to our bed as the tears came. This 'new' flesh we had spent the last 3 weeks grafting stood literally 3/4 of an inch above my actual finger in a mangled mess of finger, graft, pin, stitches, ointment, blood, and scabs. Tim held me for a moment and Dr. Barry's words began to haunt me; Would it have been better just to have let them take it off in the ER? After Bandaging it again we moved on.
I laid down on the bed and pulled tape from the incision at my breast as Tim got the next bandage ready. I felt of the stitches. That can't be right. I thought my emotion building to panic. They take children from incisions smaller than this!
I felt sad, defeated, and stupid. I began our nightly Harry Potter reading glad to lose myself somewhere else for a moment.
More
"Are you ready for this?" Tim said as he prepared to unwrap the middle finger. I don' t remember if he had seen it before then or not, but it didn't matter if I was ready so I responded in the affirmative and he unwrapped it.
I think we both quit breathing for a moment. I left the bathroom and moved to our bed as the tears came. This 'new' flesh we had spent the last 3 weeks grafting stood literally 3/4 of an inch above my actual finger in a mangled mess of finger, graft, pin, stitches, ointment, blood, and scabs. Tim held me for a moment and Dr. Barry's words began to haunt me; Would it have been better just to have let them take it off in the ER? After Bandaging it again we moved on.
I laid down on the bed and pulled tape from the incision at my breast as Tim got the next bandage ready. I felt of the stitches. That can't be right. I thought my emotion building to panic. They take children from incisions smaller than this!
I felt sad, defeated, and stupid. I began our nightly Harry Potter reading glad to lose myself somewhere else for a moment.
More
looking at a hand
Start at the beginning
One takes for granted that they will always have ten fingers and toes if they are born with them.
After surgery it was the first dead on view. This was my 'new' hand and would have to become regular. I had prepared my self a lot for what it would look like and Tim had taken pictures to show me what was happening through out the graft process, so I had an idea. We even sent one of the pics along with "ode to a finger" to Daddy for Halloween - super creepy. The stitches had been removed and it no longer needed a band-aid, it was as well as it would get and out there. Naked. Exposed. It was longer than what I thought it would be, at least something to be glad about. Dr. W, had kept his promise. Still, I wanted to cover it up. I even made it a hat. That didn't last long, it just drew attention. I still couldn't move either finger in the first two joints and not very well in the knuckle. So it felt like it just stuck out there for anyone to look at. I knew it wasn't that bad or noticeable but I still felt exposed.
My middle finger had stitches and so did my boob and it came time, soon after surgery, that we had to change more bandages.
In that I was taken aback.
More
One takes for granted that they will always have ten fingers and toes if they are born with them.
After surgery it was the first dead on view. This was my 'new' hand and would have to become regular. I had prepared my self a lot for what it would look like and Tim had taken pictures to show me what was happening through out the graft process, so I had an idea. We even sent one of the pics along with "ode to a finger" to Daddy for Halloween - super creepy. The stitches had been removed and it no longer needed a band-aid, it was as well as it would get and out there. Naked. Exposed. It was longer than what I thought it would be, at least something to be glad about. Dr. W, had kept his promise. Still, I wanted to cover it up. I even made it a hat. That didn't last long, it just drew attention. I still couldn't move either finger in the first two joints and not very well in the knuckle. So it felt like it just stuck out there for anyone to look at. I knew it wasn't that bad or noticeable but I still felt exposed.
My middle finger had stitches and so did my boob and it came time, soon after surgery, that we had to change more bandages.
In that I was taken aback.
More
Surgery 4
Start from the beginning
It was time! finally to release my finger from the bondage of my boob!!
I was nervous, but sooo ready. After three weeks I would be able to move! But I would also have to look at the damage
We were beginning to feel like pros as we went through the surgery process again. Donna came. She was the vitals/vampire on duty through two of the other surgeries and I liked her. She liked me too. I was humming when she came in and asked if she wanted me to sing to her. I did. I sang Down in the Valley and she said she would come hear me sing any time.
More
It was time! finally to release my finger from the bondage of my boob!!
I was nervous, but sooo ready. After three weeks I would be able to move! But I would also have to look at the damage
We were beginning to feel like pros as we went through the surgery process again. Donna came. She was the vitals/vampire on duty through two of the other surgeries and I liked her. She liked me too. I was humming when she came in and asked if she wanted me to sing to her. I did. I sang Down in the Valley and she said she would come hear me sing any time.
More
Work
Start from the beginning
I was so looking forward to going back to my measly little 2 meeting per week job as a discussion leader. A co-worker had been covering my 2 meetings each week for me and I had been out 4 and a half weeks. I was to have surgery on Tuesday to cut the graft away and seal the incisions in my finger and breast. I was determined to go back to work the next night for 2 hours. Tim tried to talk me through all the senarios and make sure I was thinking clearly but still, although it was surgery it really came down to stiches and I had felt well enough to work after the last surgery so I felt it would be safe to go back to work, and It would have been.
I was doing my planning on Monday night so that it would be done before my "cut-away" surgery when I got a call from my boss. An hour went by on the phone with her thinking thoughts like "What more can this accident take away from me" and some thoughts I said out loud "It sounds like I cut my finger off so your taking my meeting away" I didn't understand, and still don't. In an effort to get a grasp I sat down and wrote, but only ended up with a list of contradictions that she made in her argument to demote me. Tears Fell. But in the end the result was the same I would not return to work that Wednesday or any more Wednesdays in the future. My job had been cut in half.
Our conversation ended with my insistence that my members know it was not my decision not to come back. I was terrified to think that they would feel abandoned. I learned later that her promise to do so was not honored.
More
I was so looking forward to going back to my measly little 2 meeting per week job as a discussion leader. A co-worker had been covering my 2 meetings each week for me and I had been out 4 and a half weeks. I was to have surgery on Tuesday to cut the graft away and seal the incisions in my finger and breast. I was determined to go back to work the next night for 2 hours. Tim tried to talk me through all the senarios and make sure I was thinking clearly but still, although it was surgery it really came down to stiches and I had felt well enough to work after the last surgery so I felt it would be safe to go back to work, and It would have been.
I was doing my planning on Monday night so that it would be done before my "cut-away" surgery when I got a call from my boss. An hour went by on the phone with her thinking thoughts like "What more can this accident take away from me" and some thoughts I said out loud "It sounds like I cut my finger off so your taking my meeting away" I didn't understand, and still don't. In an effort to get a grasp I sat down and wrote, but only ended up with a list of contradictions that she made in her argument to demote me. Tears Fell. But in the end the result was the same I would not return to work that Wednesday or any more Wednesdays in the future. My job had been cut in half.
Our conversation ended with my insistence that my members know it was not my decision not to come back. I was terrified to think that they would feel abandoned. I learned later that her promise to do so was not honored.
More
Saturday, August 30, 2008
A Little at a time
Start from the beginning
A few more days and we found ourselves back in the office of our favorite plastic surgeon. The skin graft was still not ready. 1/3 more he cut apart. Then he looked at the pile of Ace bandages we had removed before he had come in with a look of fear and awe. I think it was a really busy day which may have made it easier to make the comment
"I am just going to let you do this. Y'all look like your the experts" and he was right. I don't think Tim could have gotten everything together and taught Dr W. as smoothly as Dr Barry did.
Either way I was to be tied up another week. But I was not going to miss any more work.
More
A few more days and we found ourselves back in the office of our favorite plastic surgeon. The skin graft was still not ready. 1/3 more he cut apart. Then he looked at the pile of Ace bandages we had removed before he had come in with a look of fear and awe. I think it was a really busy day which may have made it easier to make the comment
"I am just going to let you do this. Y'all look like your the experts" and he was right. I don't think Tim could have gotten everything together and taught Dr W. as smoothly as Dr Barry did.
Either way I was to be tied up another week. But I was not going to miss any more work.
More
Saturday, July 19, 2008
WOW People are stupid
Start form the beginning
Amber was taking care of me and we had to go buy supplies to change the bandages and get more drugs. So one afternoon we found ourselves at the pharmacy across town. I was looking at tape and bandage stuff, Amber was in another part of the store when I saw an acquaintance that went to our church for a year or so, a year or so ago. Not really one of my favorite people, he had said some stupid things to me in the past about how I worship, but I try to be cordial none-the-less. but after this conversation, I hope I never see him again. Forgive me for errors but this is the best I can remember from what I have blocked out. Feel free to laugh I think it is hysterical. "him" me
"Hey, Emily!"
Oh, hey, how are you
"We're doing great, I heard about you're accident what are they going to do about it"
Well right now I am sewn together hosting a skin graft and they've amputated the tip of my index finger.
"Are they going to grow it back?"
(WHAT I thought, are you kidding me. I stared with a look of shock and awe, accompanied by an if-you-are-not-serious-I-am-going-to-punch-you and if-you-are-I-am-going-to-commit-you look) slowly I said
They ... don't ... grow ... fingers ... back
"No, really I was online and saw where there was this guy and he had an accident and they found this, well they made this stuff, made from like a pigs bladder or somthin', a powder stuff and somehow it will make it grow back, like all he had to do was put this pigs bladder stuff on it and they didn't sew it up they just kept it open and he, well it was like this guy he knew that was doing the research and they went to cut it off and he told them 'no' and went to this guy he knew it was like his brother or uncle or somthin' and they did it with the pigs powder and it grew back it was like a little tougher and hairier but it grew back, his nail and everything"
(still in shock) wow... really.
"Yeah You should look it up it was really facinating, pigs bladder powder"
Well, give my love to your family, I really need to get going bye.
Are you totally rolling or what! I wanted to say dude Even if there was technology like that, do you really think they would be using it in TEMPLE TX!! and What part of "they amputated it" do you not understand! I wonder just what he thought this "information" would acheive. Was he trying to help? (still in awe and worried about his 4 children).
I met back up with Amber in a wide-eyed get-me-out-of-here-NOW kind of state and recounted the events trying to convince myself it was some kind of dream. to no avail.
WOW people are stupid.
More
Amber was taking care of me and we had to go buy supplies to change the bandages and get more drugs. So one afternoon we found ourselves at the pharmacy across town. I was looking at tape and bandage stuff, Amber was in another part of the store when I saw an acquaintance that went to our church for a year or so, a year or so ago. Not really one of my favorite people, he had said some stupid things to me in the past about how I worship, but I try to be cordial none-the-less. but after this conversation, I hope I never see him again. Forgive me for errors but this is the best I can remember from what I have blocked out. Feel free to laugh I think it is hysterical. "him" me
"Hey, Emily!"
Oh, hey, how are you
"We're doing great, I heard about you're accident what are they going to do about it"
Well right now I am sewn together hosting a skin graft and they've amputated the tip of my index finger.
"Are they going to grow it back?"
(WHAT I thought, are you kidding me. I stared with a look of shock and awe, accompanied by an if-you-are-not-serious-I-am-going-to-punch-you and if-you-are-I-am-going-to-commit-you look) slowly I said
They ... don't ... grow ... fingers ... back
"No, really I was online and saw where there was this guy and he had an accident and they found this, well they made this stuff, made from like a pigs bladder or somthin', a powder stuff and somehow it will make it grow back, like all he had to do was put this pigs bladder stuff on it and they didn't sew it up they just kept it open and he, well it was like this guy he knew that was doing the research and they went to cut it off and he told them 'no' and went to this guy he knew it was like his brother or uncle or somthin' and they did it with the pigs powder and it grew back it was like a little tougher and hairier but it grew back, his nail and everything"
(still in shock) wow... really.
"Yeah You should look it up it was really facinating, pigs bladder powder"
Well, give my love to your family, I really need to get going bye.
Are you totally rolling or what! I wanted to say dude Even if there was technology like that, do you really think they would be using it in TEMPLE TX!! and What part of "they amputated it" do you not understand! I wonder just what he thought this "information" would acheive. Was he trying to help? (still in awe and worried about his 4 children).
I met back up with Amber in a wide-eyed get-me-out-of-here-NOW kind of state and recounted the events trying to convince myself it was some kind of dream. to no avail.
WOW people are stupid.
More
Saturday, July 12, 2008
ER strikes again
Start at the beginning
We were met with the same hospitality as the first time. After waiting 15 minutes or so Dr Barry called us in. Yes, again, off with the tape! It had not been very long since the last time, so it was tender. We filled him in on all that had happened since that first surgery he assisted and I commented on what a long, hard ride it had been. He retorted in the typical ER fashion.
"No," he said, " that was your choice to make it hard it could have been very simple"
I think he was bitter because he was looking forward to cutting off my fingers and he didn't get to cut off my fingers in the first ER visit. He glued the end of the pin back on and began talking of not taping me back up. I was confused. No Tape?
"Then what are you going to do?"
"We will use an Ace and I want you to change the bandage every day?"
How in the world is this going to work? I thought to myself, and I don't want to change the bandage! I can only imagine what Tim was thinking - he would have to do the work.
Now, Dr Barry had obviously taken the 'How to Bandage Various Body Parts' elective in college I was amazed. Some how he took a giant Ace Bandage and got my hand and both boobs wrapped up and supported more securely than I had been the whole time and my elbow and pit were FREE. What's more he taught Tim how to do it in the process. I didn't even need the belt to support my elbow. Now I was really sporting the Napoleon look, but I was so much more comfortable.
More
We were met with the same hospitality as the first time. After waiting 15 minutes or so Dr Barry called us in. Yes, again, off with the tape! It had not been very long since the last time, so it was tender. We filled him in on all that had happened since that first surgery he assisted and I commented on what a long, hard ride it had been. He retorted in the typical ER fashion.
"No," he said, " that was your choice to make it hard it could have been very simple"
I think he was bitter because he was looking forward to cutting off my fingers and he didn't get to cut off my fingers in the first ER visit. He glued the end of the pin back on and began talking of not taping me back up. I was confused. No Tape?
"Then what are you going to do?"
"We will use an Ace and I want you to change the bandage every day?"
How in the world is this going to work? I thought to myself, and I don't want to change the bandage! I can only imagine what Tim was thinking - he would have to do the work.
Now, Dr Barry had obviously taken the 'How to Bandage Various Body Parts' elective in college I was amazed. Some how he took a giant Ace Bandage and got my hand and both boobs wrapped up and supported more securely than I had been the whole time and my elbow and pit were FREE. What's more he taught Tim how to do it in the process. I didn't even need the belt to support my elbow. Now I was really sporting the Napoleon look, but I was so much more comfortable.
More
Friday, July 04, 2008
The art of a bandage
Start at the Begining
I don't think they train Dr's how to bandage things after they work on them.
My Dr decided I was not ready to be cut apart yet. He cut about one third apart and taped me back up again. Yipee. In the bandage department my Doctor certainly seemed a bit inept; not to say incapable, I was certainly sterile but It was an adventure. I didn't feel very secure in the first bandage. the second was worse. I suppose you can get things a little tighter and secure if you are not looking your patient in the face or listening to her bark at you.
We all did our best but I was really wiggly in there. A couple of day's later I was sitting on the couch wiggling and... whoops, wait a minute, did I? "Oh Crap. Tim, the end of the pin in my finger just fell off."
The pin looked a lot like a thumb tack. We have all had a time when we went to pull a thumb tack out of the wall and the plastic part came but the pin stayed - Well, that is what happened. I could feel the plastic part rolling around in the spaces of the bandage and began to get really concerned about the metal end scratching me. Great, what next. We called the plastic surgery resident on-call and it was one of the surgeons I had seen before. I explained the situation and he tried to convince me I didn't need to do anything about it, until I told him I was afraid I would impale myself with the pin. So we agreed to meet at the ER.
More
I don't think they train Dr's how to bandage things after they work on them.
My Dr decided I was not ready to be cut apart yet. He cut about one third apart and taped me back up again. Yipee. In the bandage department my Doctor certainly seemed a bit inept; not to say incapable, I was certainly sterile but It was an adventure. I didn't feel very secure in the first bandage. the second was worse. I suppose you can get things a little tighter and secure if you are not looking your patient in the face or listening to her bark at you.
We all did our best but I was really wiggly in there. A couple of day's later I was sitting on the couch wiggling and... whoops, wait a minute, did I? "Oh Crap. Tim, the end of the pin in my finger just fell off."
The pin looked a lot like a thumb tack. We have all had a time when we went to pull a thumb tack out of the wall and the plastic part came but the pin stayed - Well, that is what happened. I could feel the plastic part rolling around in the spaces of the bandage and began to get really concerned about the metal end scratching me. Great, what next. We called the plastic surgery resident on-call and it was one of the surgeons I had seen before. I explained the situation and he tried to convince me I didn't need to do anything about it, until I told him I was afraid I would impale myself with the pin. So we agreed to meet at the ER.
More
the body / finger conection
Start at the begining
About a day after surgery I started tying up my elbow with a belt. It worked pretty well as a makeshift sling, I could do that even though my arm was encased in tape. So, all in all, the worst part was sleeping. Anyone in my family will tell you I am an active sleeper. My sisters used to fight over who had to sleep with me on vacations. We propped up pillows and did our best. I still feel sorry for Tim, as heavy a sleeper as I am, he can't hardly make himself sleep, especially if he thinks I might need something. He was up with my every move.
Tim was terrified I would fall and didn't want me alone if possible. So as he began to go back to work we got me a sitter for most of the first 2 weeks. Mom came and brought puzzles from Grand mother (thanks for thinking). Amber came for a few days, with a list of things you can do with one hand:
crafts
Experiment with makeup
coloring
go to Barnes and Noble
Make up songs
Play speed - but I can only use one hand too
Make up an answering machine message
starring contest
basket ball with the trash can
Bottle cap hockey
make dialog to tv
jenga !
ad lib
balance pillow/head or pencil/nose
WOW who'd have thought. (Yes, I kept the paper.) One of the highlights of her visit was throwing popcorn into each others mouths on the couch. It really was histerical, I found kernels for weeks, and of course friends came too.
We had a check up at about 1 week after surgery to decide how soon or how much I could be cut apart. Off came the tape. I was really glad I am not a man. It really is amazing how red one can get, I can't imagine pulling hair out along with it.
More
About a day after surgery I started tying up my elbow with a belt. It worked pretty well as a makeshift sling, I could do that even though my arm was encased in tape. So, all in all, the worst part was sleeping. Anyone in my family will tell you I am an active sleeper. My sisters used to fight over who had to sleep with me on vacations. We propped up pillows and did our best. I still feel sorry for Tim, as heavy a sleeper as I am, he can't hardly make himself sleep, especially if he thinks I might need something. He was up with my every move.
Tim was terrified I would fall and didn't want me alone if possible. So as he began to go back to work we got me a sitter for most of the first 2 weeks. Mom came and brought puzzles from Grand mother (thanks for thinking). Amber came for a few days, with a list of things you can do with one hand:
crafts
Experiment with makeup
coloring
go to Barnes and Noble
Make up songs
Play speed - but I can only use one hand too
Make up an answering machine message
starring contest
basket ball with the trash can
Bottle cap hockey
make dialog to tv
jenga !
ad lib
balance pillow/head or pencil/nose
WOW who'd have thought. (Yes, I kept the paper.) One of the highlights of her visit was throwing popcorn into each others mouths on the couch. It really was histerical, I found kernels for weeks, and of course friends came too.
We had a check up at about 1 week after surgery to decide how soon or how much I could be cut apart. Off came the tape. I was really glad I am not a man. It really is amazing how red one can get, I can't imagine pulling hair out along with it.
More
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Surgery 3
Start at the Beginning
This surgery was at the Plastic Surgery, Surgery Center. Much more user friendly. they put me in a room, with walls, at the beginning, and Tim stayed in there until they brought me back to that same room. Much less stress on him as well. I don't know why they don't do that everywhere.
After surgery I woke up taped from my navel to my collar bone and all the way around my back. Yes, tape. They had cut a flap from the underside of my breast, laid it over my middle finger, sewn it down and taped anything in the vicinity to my body. Padded in crucial places, but all tape.
We were out really quick. Tim wrapped me in my new Dress Barn wrap and took me for donuts on the way home. We have a great relationship with the Donut Girls. Thus started the 3 weeks of slightly cocked eyebrows and a lot of remarks like:
"What?"
"Na uhh."
"Your kidding."
followed by me lifting my shirt enough to show my belly button hiding behind a curtain of tape. Thankfully the wrap we bought kept those to a minimum, from strangers at least.
Apparently this way of grafting is the oldest one around. The story goes that the first plastic surgery was done on a man that needed a new nose, so they cut a flap from the top of his elbow and sewed his arm/elbow to his face. Well, I suppose it could be worse.
Are you holding your elbow to your nose?
More
This surgery was at the Plastic Surgery, Surgery Center. Much more user friendly. they put me in a room, with walls, at the beginning, and Tim stayed in there until they brought me back to that same room. Much less stress on him as well. I don't know why they don't do that everywhere.
After surgery I woke up taped from my navel to my collar bone and all the way around my back. Yes, tape. They had cut a flap from the underside of my breast, laid it over my middle finger, sewn it down and taped anything in the vicinity to my body. Padded in crucial places, but all tape.
We were out really quick. Tim wrapped me in my new Dress Barn wrap and took me for donuts on the way home. We have a great relationship with the Donut Girls. Thus started the 3 weeks of slightly cocked eyebrows and a lot of remarks like:
"What?"
"Na uhh."
"Your kidding."
followed by me lifting my shirt enough to show my belly button hiding behind a curtain of tape. Thankfully the wrap we bought kept those to a minimum, from strangers at least.
Apparently this way of grafting is the oldest one around. The story goes that the first plastic surgery was done on a man that needed a new nose, so they cut a flap from the top of his elbow and sewed his arm/elbow to his face. Well, I suppose it could be worse.
Are you holding your elbow to your nose?
More
Getting away
Start at the begining
Mom and Dad had to leave way too early and we had very little time away from the fungus mess so Tim and I decided with at least two weeks of my being sewn to myself we should get away for a minute. That is just what it felt like, a minute.
We took a day just before surgery and went to Waco. Still bandaged and holding my hand above my heart (very used to that now), we started at Cracker Barrel, then went to my favorite clothing store (Dress Barn - awesome!), the Zoo, and dinner at Rudy's.
The drive felt weight lifting, at Dress Barn we bought a shawl/wrap type thing that would make me feel presentable when sewn together, and the Zoo was like totaly leaving the real world behind for a moment.
There were things we couldn't do without the use of my hand of course so we promised ourselves we would go back again and eat with the Giraffes and slide through the Otter playground. It was an oasis of a day that I don't think we will ever be able to recreate. It was as if God stuck his hand out between me and Satan and said "Stop" and all the world stopped so that I could get off for just a moment and take one long breath of peace. A breath that calmed the storm so fully had I been granted another I would not have been able to bear the weight of the world ever again.
The Lord is my shepahard
I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside the still waters
He restores my soul
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his names sake.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
For You are with me
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me
You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
My cup runs over
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
all the days of my life.
and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.
Psalm 23
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Mom and Dad had to leave way too early and we had very little time away from the fungus mess so Tim and I decided with at least two weeks of my being sewn to myself we should get away for a minute. That is just what it felt like, a minute.
We took a day just before surgery and went to Waco. Still bandaged and holding my hand above my heart (very used to that now), we started at Cracker Barrel, then went to my favorite clothing store (Dress Barn - awesome!), the Zoo, and dinner at Rudy's.
The drive felt weight lifting, at Dress Barn we bought a shawl/wrap type thing that would make me feel presentable when sewn together, and the Zoo was like totaly leaving the real world behind for a moment.
There were things we couldn't do without the use of my hand of course so we promised ourselves we would go back again and eat with the Giraffes and slide through the Otter playground. It was an oasis of a day that I don't think we will ever be able to recreate. It was as if God stuck his hand out between me and Satan and said "Stop" and all the world stopped so that I could get off for just a moment and take one long breath of peace. A breath that calmed the storm so fully had I been granted another I would not have been able to bear the weight of the world ever again.
The Lord is my shepahard
I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside the still waters
He restores my soul
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his names sake.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
For You are with me
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me
You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
My cup runs over
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
all the days of my life.
and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.
Psalm 23
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Wednesday, April 09, 2008
You are going to WHAT?
Start at the beginning
"You are going to WHAT?" every fiber of my body jumped to attention.
He repeated himself:
"We are going to sew your finger to your boob and leave it there for three weeks."
OK so those weren't his exact words but Seriously I'm not kidding.
It seems that the Doc had to take soo much flesh from the top of my finger in the debridement during the second surgery, that there was not enough flesh left to support the normal way of grafting. So, that meant where ever they took the skin from would have to host the blood supply needed until the skin fully attached. Yeah, it took me a second too. WOW!
I remember saying to the Dr. "But I have great boobs! Really! I cut off my finger and now you're going to screw up my boobs too!?"
He promptly left the room.
I tell you what, My Dr. was amazing to put up with the likes of me. Mom and Tim were certainly mortified. Dad and I, no shame. We began trying to figure out what we could get on the black market if we took all their band-aids. Every one has their own way of coping I suppose. I was glad Daddy was there and wonder a bit what went through his head as I proclaimed the perfection of my boobs.
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"You are going to WHAT?" every fiber of my body jumped to attention.
He repeated himself:
"We are going to sew your finger to your boob and leave it there for three weeks."
OK so those weren't his exact words but Seriously I'm not kidding.
It seems that the Doc had to take soo much flesh from the top of my finger in the debridement during the second surgery, that there was not enough flesh left to support the normal way of grafting. So, that meant where ever they took the skin from would have to host the blood supply needed until the skin fully attached. Yeah, it took me a second too. WOW!
I remember saying to the Dr. "But I have great boobs! Really! I cut off my finger and now you're going to screw up my boobs too!?"
He promptly left the room.
I tell you what, My Dr. was amazing to put up with the likes of me. Mom and Tim were certainly mortified. Dad and I, no shame. We began trying to figure out what we could get on the black market if we took all their band-aids. Every one has their own way of coping I suppose. I was glad Daddy was there and wonder a bit what went through his head as I proclaimed the perfection of my boobs.
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Friday, April 04, 2008
Is Fungus an infection?
Start form the beginning
The next day I felt better one more surgery and this would all be done a skin graft was all that was left. Mom Dad and I went to get donuts. When we got back to the house we began to discuss getting out of the house and doing something fun and normal when I got a phone call.
"Emily one of your tests from your last office procedure developed a fungus. We have set up an appointment for you at Infectious diseases today."
"What? - What is that? What does that mean? Not today when my parents have to leave so soon."
All of my questions were met with 'I don't know's' and 'you will just have to go and see'
I hung up the phone not even slightly understanding and said to Mom as she stared, "I have an infection"
All I wanted to do that day was be my Daddy's little girl, and let my Mommy take care of me. I thought, of course, the one time I have them both, all to myself, and I am sick. Proof, history never repeats itself (that is sarcasm for those who don't know my history).
All day long we were running around Scott and White. Tim left work and joined us as we traversed up to Infectious diseases. The Dr was quite kind, but I was terrified, Did this mean I would lose that finger too? Should I have just sucked up and let go in the ER?
He explained that they found a fungus and that was not nessesarily an infection. It could have just been picked up from the air or in the peetry dish. But, if it was growing on my finger it would need to be reconciled before skin graft surgery. He looked at my mangled finger and said he wanted to look with Dr Wienfeld at the same time and ask him some questions.
Then Mom, Daddy, Tim, and I started the go here, wait there, call so and so, fit you in, ventures. When finally we all squeezed into a treatment room and waited...
We played with Daddy's IPhone, read my blog, and Daddy pointed out how many things were "free" in the room. I still kind of wonder if he didn't stick some tongue depressors in his pocket for cookies-on-a-stick. None-the-less it was not unbearable, for the most part. In fact I think we entertained a few of the nurses in the mean time. Finally both the infectious diseases Dr and the plastic surgeon came in and unwrapped my finger. What a mess to decide things looked fine. So what next?
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The next day I felt better one more surgery and this would all be done a skin graft was all that was left. Mom Dad and I went to get donuts. When we got back to the house we began to discuss getting out of the house and doing something fun and normal when I got a phone call.
"Emily one of your tests from your last office procedure developed a fungus. We have set up an appointment for you at Infectious diseases today."
"What? - What is that? What does that mean? Not today when my parents have to leave so soon."
All of my questions were met with 'I don't know's' and 'you will just have to go and see'
I hung up the phone not even slightly understanding and said to Mom as she stared, "I have an infection"
All I wanted to do that day was be my Daddy's little girl, and let my Mommy take care of me. I thought, of course, the one time I have them both, all to myself, and I am sick. Proof, history never repeats itself (that is sarcasm for those who don't know my history).
All day long we were running around Scott and White. Tim left work and joined us as we traversed up to Infectious diseases. The Dr was quite kind, but I was terrified, Did this mean I would lose that finger too? Should I have just sucked up and let go in the ER?
He explained that they found a fungus and that was not nessesarily an infection. It could have just been picked up from the air or in the peetry dish. But, if it was growing on my finger it would need to be reconciled before skin graft surgery. He looked at my mangled finger and said he wanted to look with Dr Wienfeld at the same time and ask him some questions.
Then Mom, Daddy, Tim, and I started the go here, wait there, call so and so, fit you in, ventures. When finally we all squeezed into a treatment room and waited...
We played with Daddy's IPhone, read my blog, and Daddy pointed out how many things were "free" in the room. I still kind of wonder if he didn't stick some tongue depressors in his pocket for cookies-on-a-stick. None-the-less it was not unbearable, for the most part. In fact I think we entertained a few of the nurses in the mean time. Finally both the infectious diseases Dr and the plastic surgeon came in and unwrapped my finger. What a mess to decide things looked fine. So what next?
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Parents
Start at the beginning
Tim and I had talked on the way home debating whether to go to our friends house for dinner or not. Would it matter, another hour before we called mom and dad? After dinner we started home again, as we rounded the corner I said, "I could really use a hug from Daddy"
"Your parents are at our house" Tim said as we drove up the street "Isn't that your mom's car?"
I didn't answer right away. Could it be true, were they really here, was it just Mom or did they both get off work, did they know I needed them that badly? I still couldn't believe it as I walked to the door and entered my house.
There was Daddy. Mom came down the hall and embraced me immediately.
Hugs all around, and I curled up in Daddy's lap on the couch "Daddy they cut my finger off"
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Tim and I had talked on the way home debating whether to go to our friends house for dinner or not. Would it matter, another hour before we called mom and dad? After dinner we started home again, as we rounded the corner I said, "I could really use a hug from Daddy"
"Your parents are at our house" Tim said as we drove up the street "Isn't that your mom's car?"
I didn't answer right away. Could it be true, were they really here, was it just Mom or did they both get off work, did they know I needed them that badly? I still couldn't believe it as I walked to the door and entered my house.
There was Daddy. Mom came down the hall and embraced me immediately.
Hugs all around, and I curled up in Daddy's lap on the couch "Daddy they cut my finger off"
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Shift Change
Start at the beginning
Shift Change, sent the most horrible woman into my room. She was cute with a pleasant demeanor but she seemed to feel it was her duty to tell me It was really no big deal that i no longer had the end of my finger and that I would be as normal as ever soon. Being the expert nurse that she was she, in not so brief a time, made it known that she saw this all the time I just needed to get over myself. Look lady I am pretty sure painting my finger nails will never be normal again. I held my tongue as she went on and on with as little compassion and sympathy as could be imagined, yet saying these thoughtless things in this oh-so-sweet, aren't-I-helping-you-get-over-this, kind of voice. It reminded me of Umbrige in Harry Potter.
It is a really good thing I was weak because I might have gone to find a cast saw just to let her experience how much of myself I had to get over. But, it did get us out of the hospital and Rebecca and Jonathan had cooked dinner at their house and invited us to come. We decided to go since I was numb and in as little physical pain as I would be in for a few days. Thanks, I needed that.
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Shift Change, sent the most horrible woman into my room. She was cute with a pleasant demeanor but she seemed to feel it was her duty to tell me It was really no big deal that i no longer had the end of my finger and that I would be as normal as ever soon. Being the expert nurse that she was she, in not so brief a time, made it known that she saw this all the time I just needed to get over myself. Look lady I am pretty sure painting my finger nails will never be normal again. I held my tongue as she went on and on with as little compassion and sympathy as could be imagined, yet saying these thoughtless things in this oh-so-sweet, aren't-I-helping-you-get-over-this, kind of voice. It reminded me of Umbrige in Harry Potter.
It is a really good thing I was weak because I might have gone to find a cast saw just to let her experience how much of myself I had to get over. But, it did get us out of the hospital and Rebecca and Jonathan had cooked dinner at their house and invited us to come. We decided to go since I was numb and in as little physical pain as I would be in for a few days. Thanks, I needed that.
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Monday, March 31, 2008
Surgery 2
Start from the beginning
"They're cutting off my finger"
was my response to everything. I didn't think it was all that odd myself seeing as how everyone kept asking me how I was doing or how I was feeling. Stupid questions. I do believe there is a point at which common politeness is just rude.
It was an extraordinarily long wait it was close to 3:30 before they got me in. A few ministers from the church came in, and I was terrified about what my finger was going to look like after surgery even though I had imagined it a hundred times.
Afterward, The Dr. was satisfied, but we would have to do the grafting in another surgery.
It was the first time in my life I found myself not wanting to leave the hospital. There was nothing good on the other side. I don't know what I was holding on too I just didn't want to move. It was the same thing that made me not want to go to sleep the night before, going home meant it was real and permanent. Funny though sometimes it is not what you are moving toward but what you are moving away from that gets you going...
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"They're cutting off my finger"
was my response to everything. I didn't think it was all that odd myself seeing as how everyone kept asking me how I was doing or how I was feeling. Stupid questions. I do believe there is a point at which common politeness is just rude.
It was an extraordinarily long wait it was close to 3:30 before they got me in. A few ministers from the church came in, and I was terrified about what my finger was going to look like after surgery even though I had imagined it a hundred times.
Afterward, The Dr. was satisfied, but we would have to do the grafting in another surgery.
It was the first time in my life I found myself not wanting to leave the hospital. There was nothing good on the other side. I don't know what I was holding on too I just didn't want to move. It was the same thing that made me not want to go to sleep the night before, going home meant it was real and permanent. Funny though sometimes it is not what you are moving toward but what you are moving away from that gets you going...
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Permanence
Start at the beginning
I take comfort in anything I can make temporary, If it cannot be undone I am one of those people who is unlikely to do it. I buy things with the idea in the back of my head that they can be taken back. If it is something I cannot easily take back, I will agonize, spend weeks, months, years waiting for the sale or shopping for the tiniest feature. I really must have enough time to contemplate all options before a big decision is made or I end up still shopping after i have already made a purchase. Nothing is more annoying. So what does this have to do with a mutilated hand?
All of the options had been contemplated and this was the only option left. Tim talked of cutting off his pinkie so I could have it. "If they can transplant hearts and lungs, why not fingers?" In a conversation with Mom I learned that Daddy had gone as far as to call his sister-in-law, the nurse, about the same, matching his pinkie with Mom's index finger to see if it would be the right size. I don't need that little piece of fanger, that ain't nothin'. I can hear him say it.
The permanence was overwhelming. When I got Cancer My hair was going to come back or I was going to die, either way was not permanent. This was the first time I have found myself in a dark tunnel facing the light of an on coming train.
I couldn't sleep, I knew as soon as I let today end, tomorrow would come. I had looked at my finger over and over as we changed the bandages. It was black and shrived up and so definitely dead nothing was left but to cut it off. But my logic couldn't catch up to my emotions. Tomorrow they would cut off my finger, it would never come back, and there was nothing I could do about it.
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I take comfort in anything I can make temporary, If it cannot be undone I am one of those people who is unlikely to do it. I buy things with the idea in the back of my head that they can be taken back. If it is something I cannot easily take back, I will agonize, spend weeks, months, years waiting for the sale or shopping for the tiniest feature. I really must have enough time to contemplate all options before a big decision is made or I end up still shopping after i have already made a purchase. Nothing is more annoying. So what does this have to do with a mutilated hand?
All of the options had been contemplated and this was the only option left. Tim talked of cutting off his pinkie so I could have it. "If they can transplant hearts and lungs, why not fingers?" In a conversation with Mom I learned that Daddy had gone as far as to call his sister-in-law, the nurse, about the same, matching his pinkie with Mom's index finger to see if it would be the right size. I don't need that little piece of fanger, that ain't nothin'. I can hear him say it.
The permanence was overwhelming. When I got Cancer My hair was going to come back or I was going to die, either way was not permanent. This was the first time I have found myself in a dark tunnel facing the light of an on coming train.
I couldn't sleep, I knew as soon as I let today end, tomorrow would come. I had looked at my finger over and over as we changed the bandages. It was black and shrived up and so definitely dead nothing was left but to cut it off. But my logic couldn't catch up to my emotions. Tomorrow they would cut off my finger, it would never come back, and there was nothing I could do about it.
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Saturday, February 16, 2008
Stupid people
Start at the begining
We went home and continued to follow the Dr's orders. Every night we changed bandages and every night I looked at my dead black finger. It was so unreal. So hard to believe yet there it was, I was looking at it, so obviously shriveled, black dead. I still wanted to keep it.
News travels fast and most of our friends knew amputation was imminent, we decided to get out and go to a social event at a friends a day or two before surgery. It was at a friends house that I really respected and we probably wouldn't have gone otherwise.
We had a mediocore time and as I was saying my goodbyes the host herself said "So what are we going to call you now, Stubby Finger?"
I know, Wow. How do you respond to that? I suppose my look of shock and awe spoke for itself. She said "Oh I'm sorry" and something about hurt feelings. Tim said later that I responded well which is not generally the case so I was glad of that. After cancer you expect that people will be stupid but it always catches you off gaurd.
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We went home and continued to follow the Dr's orders. Every night we changed bandages and every night I looked at my dead black finger. It was so unreal. So hard to believe yet there it was, I was looking at it, so obviously shriveled, black dead. I still wanted to keep it.
News travels fast and most of our friends knew amputation was imminent, we decided to get out and go to a social event at a friends a day or two before surgery. It was at a friends house that I really respected and we probably wouldn't have gone otherwise.
We had a mediocore time and as I was saying my goodbyes the host herself said "So what are we going to call you now, Stubby Finger?"
I know, Wow. How do you respond to that? I suppose my look of shock and awe spoke for itself. She said "Oh I'm sorry" and something about hurt feelings. Tim said later that I responded well which is not generally the case so I was glad of that. After cancer you expect that people will be stupid but it always catches you off gaurd.
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Friday, February 15, 2008
Surgery 1
Start from the beginning
Don't eat after midnight, report to admissions 9 am, then anasthesiology, the surgery waiting room, then surgery prep....
So many people, so many Dr's, so many can'ts, don'ts and I-don't-know's. I was lost in it all, so was Tim. He was afraid of hospitals, and just as scared as I was, but you wouldn't have known it. We went through a whole lot of hurry up and wait, met some neat people - Donna was my favorite, and everything seemed fine when we left. The next two days the bandage really hurt I had three conversations over whether or not the bandage might be too tight, or I was imagining things. I loosened it a bit at the bottom after the last one and went in the following week for follow-up.
It was pretty obvious the Dr. was looking at something he had not expected yet trying to look as non-committal as possible. I had few expectations but I had not expected what I was looking at. The index finger was black and shriveled over most of the right side, and the top of the middle finger was all white and mangled. I hadn't even cut that part. Both of them had what looked like yellow thumb tacks coming out of the ends. It was the middle finger that was perplexing the Dr. He told us that the first knuckle of the index finger and all of the white skin on the middle finger was dead. We would have to amputate and do a skin graft the following week. Swelling should be over and he wanted us to change the bandage daily now.
Wow was he wrong!
That middle finger swelled up the size of a German sausage and I am not kidding. So, I called and talked to his nurse about the enormity of it 2 days latter and she said to come down and she would help us change the bandage and look at it. I e-mailed Tim and we went up around 4:30 Friday afternoon. Immediately she went and got the Dr.
It had developed fluid and would have to be cleaned out now. The Dr and two nurses stayed late to do what they called a "debridement" and surgery plans changed. Now we would be amputating and another debridement sooner rather than later. Grafting would be unlikely, still change the bandage daily.
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Don't eat after midnight, report to admissions 9 am, then anasthesiology, the surgery waiting room, then surgery prep....
So many people, so many Dr's, so many can'ts, don'ts and I-don't-know's. I was lost in it all, so was Tim. He was afraid of hospitals, and just as scared as I was, but you wouldn't have known it. We went through a whole lot of hurry up and wait, met some neat people - Donna was my favorite, and everything seemed fine when we left. The next two days the bandage really hurt I had three conversations over whether or not the bandage might be too tight, or I was imagining things. I loosened it a bit at the bottom after the last one and went in the following week for follow-up.
It was pretty obvious the Dr. was looking at something he had not expected yet trying to look as non-committal as possible. I had few expectations but I had not expected what I was looking at. The index finger was black and shriveled over most of the right side, and the top of the middle finger was all white and mangled. I hadn't even cut that part. Both of them had what looked like yellow thumb tacks coming out of the ends. It was the middle finger that was perplexing the Dr. He told us that the first knuckle of the index finger and all of the white skin on the middle finger was dead. We would have to amputate and do a skin graft the following week. Swelling should be over and he wanted us to change the bandage daily now.
Wow was he wrong!
That middle finger swelled up the size of a German sausage and I am not kidding. So, I called and talked to his nurse about the enormity of it 2 days latter and she said to come down and she would help us change the bandage and look at it. I e-mailed Tim and we went up around 4:30 Friday afternoon. Immediately she went and got the Dr.
It had developed fluid and would have to be cleaned out now. The Dr and two nurses stayed late to do what they called a "debridement" and surgery plans changed. Now we would be amputating and another debridement sooner rather than later. Grafting would be unlikely, still change the bandage daily.
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Friends are the greatest
Start from the beginning
There is great gift in those friends that will abandon all plans without thought to come when you need them.
Tim had called Steve earlier and told him to sit tight until we knew more about what we would need help with, getting both cars home was only one thing. He happened to be with several of our friends, who all came to the ER. It was getting late, and the pharmacy that would take our insurance would close soon. Tim had to get prescriptions now if I was to have them for the night. Steve Rebecca and Jenna all stayed with me while Tim and David Allen went to the pharmacy and I was prepared for release.
They really lifted my spirits as they were glad they could be there for me, but also began talking about how it was irritating when their parents or family members didn't call when they were in the Hospital. Crap I've got to call Mom and Dad and I just want to be with my friends. Suddenly I understood how much easier it is to just deal with family later (who can do nothing but worry), and I began to defend the other end of that conversation as I called my parents house and prayed for voice mail.
My younger sister Amber was there and I was very short with her, speaking in matter-of-fact tones and not giving details. Steve drove me home as I began to realize how loopy I was under the influence of the drugs I had been given. We got home and Steve went and got us all dinner. Mom called shortly afterward and I was ready to talk to her, not as short as I had been with Amber. Mom said she walked in the house to Amber sitting on the couch and proclaiming animatedly "Don't Panic!"
It was a hard night but I was holding to the thought that the surgery would go great the next day and in a few weeks I would be back to some assemblence of normal.
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There is great gift in those friends that will abandon all plans without thought to come when you need them.
Tim had called Steve earlier and told him to sit tight until we knew more about what we would need help with, getting both cars home was only one thing. He happened to be with several of our friends, who all came to the ER. It was getting late, and the pharmacy that would take our insurance would close soon. Tim had to get prescriptions now if I was to have them for the night. Steve Rebecca and Jenna all stayed with me while Tim and David Allen went to the pharmacy and I was prepared for release.
They really lifted my spirits as they were glad they could be there for me, but also began talking about how it was irritating when their parents or family members didn't call when they were in the Hospital. Crap I've got to call Mom and Dad and I just want to be with my friends. Suddenly I understood how much easier it is to just deal with family later (who can do nothing but worry), and I began to defend the other end of that conversation as I called my parents house and prayed for voice mail.
My younger sister Amber was there and I was very short with her, speaking in matter-of-fact tones and not giving details. Steve drove me home as I began to realize how loopy I was under the influence of the drugs I had been given. We got home and Steve went and got us all dinner. Mom called shortly afterward and I was ready to talk to her, not as short as I had been with Amber. Mom said she walked in the house to Amber sitting on the couch and proclaiming animatedly "Don't Panic!"
It was a hard night but I was holding to the thought that the surgery would go great the next day and in a few weeks I would be back to some assemblence of normal.
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