Start at the beginning
I wish the world could grasp the idea of being truthful. All abnormality draws some kind of attention. Children stare; seriously though that is so much more honest that adults that try to sneak peaks.
I needed to go and be normal. A place to be loved beyond appearance a place to become comfortable before going "public" with my new hand. No one had seen the amputation and It was out there now no more bandages It was what it is, abnormal. I was getting ready to go to Abilene for a weekend to see my parents and get away. I needed to be alone, get used to it, and learn what it would be like in public around strangers before I dealt with friends. First, however Tim and I were going to have date night and drop off some cookware left from a friend who had brought us dinner.
She answered the door and immediately started a new version of the all familiar "boob glance."
You know back in high school when the guys are really trying to look you in the face but their eyes just can't stay there. It's like you can read their mind:
Stop looking at her boobs,
but they're so nice,
Stop it,
but they're big and round,
Stop she'll notice,
But I really like them
STOP
I want to touch...
NOOOO!!!
That is what this was like, except that the distance from eyes to hand is far greater than from eyes to boob so as she was glancing back and forth at my new finger it was insanely obvious!I wanted to hold it out there and say Just tell me when you're done so you can focus on our conversation but I didn't.
Seriously, what is so hard about saying "can I see it?" Then you can say something sympathetic and avoid looking stupid and I don't feel nearly as much like a freak and everything goes back to normal so much quicker.
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Wednesday, October 01, 2008
What do you mean by 'ready'
Start at the Beginning
"Are you ready for this?" Tim said as he prepared to unwrap the middle finger. I don' t remember if he had seen it before then or not, but it didn't matter if I was ready so I responded in the affirmative and he unwrapped it.
I think we both quit breathing for a moment. I left the bathroom and moved to our bed as the tears came. This 'new' flesh we had spent the last 3 weeks grafting stood literally 3/4 of an inch above my actual finger in a mangled mess of finger, graft, pin, stitches, ointment, blood, and scabs. Tim held me for a moment and Dr. Barry's words began to haunt me; Would it have been better just to have let them take it off in the ER? After Bandaging it again we moved on.
I laid down on the bed and pulled tape from the incision at my breast as Tim got the next bandage ready. I felt of the stitches. That can't be right. I thought my emotion building to panic. They take children from incisions smaller than this!
I felt sad, defeated, and stupid. I began our nightly Harry Potter reading glad to lose myself somewhere else for a moment.
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"Are you ready for this?" Tim said as he prepared to unwrap the middle finger. I don' t remember if he had seen it before then or not, but it didn't matter if I was ready so I responded in the affirmative and he unwrapped it.
I think we both quit breathing for a moment. I left the bathroom and moved to our bed as the tears came. This 'new' flesh we had spent the last 3 weeks grafting stood literally 3/4 of an inch above my actual finger in a mangled mess of finger, graft, pin, stitches, ointment, blood, and scabs. Tim held me for a moment and Dr. Barry's words began to haunt me; Would it have been better just to have let them take it off in the ER? After Bandaging it again we moved on.
I laid down on the bed and pulled tape from the incision at my breast as Tim got the next bandage ready. I felt of the stitches. That can't be right. I thought my emotion building to panic. They take children from incisions smaller than this!
I felt sad, defeated, and stupid. I began our nightly Harry Potter reading glad to lose myself somewhere else for a moment.
More
looking at a hand
Start at the beginning
One takes for granted that they will always have ten fingers and toes if they are born with them.
After surgery it was the first dead on view. This was my 'new' hand and would have to become regular. I had prepared my self a lot for what it would look like and Tim had taken pictures to show me what was happening through out the graft process, so I had an idea. We even sent one of the pics along with "ode to a finger" to Daddy for Halloween - super creepy. The stitches had been removed and it no longer needed a band-aid, it was as well as it would get and out there. Naked. Exposed. It was longer than what I thought it would be, at least something to be glad about. Dr. W, had kept his promise. Still, I wanted to cover it up. I even made it a hat. That didn't last long, it just drew attention. I still couldn't move either finger in the first two joints and not very well in the knuckle. So it felt like it just stuck out there for anyone to look at. I knew it wasn't that bad or noticeable but I still felt exposed.
My middle finger had stitches and so did my boob and it came time, soon after surgery, that we had to change more bandages.
In that I was taken aback.
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One takes for granted that they will always have ten fingers and toes if they are born with them.
After surgery it was the first dead on view. This was my 'new' hand and would have to become regular. I had prepared my self a lot for what it would look like and Tim had taken pictures to show me what was happening through out the graft process, so I had an idea. We even sent one of the pics along with "ode to a finger" to Daddy for Halloween - super creepy. The stitches had been removed and it no longer needed a band-aid, it was as well as it would get and out there. Naked. Exposed. It was longer than what I thought it would be, at least something to be glad about. Dr. W, had kept his promise. Still, I wanted to cover it up. I even made it a hat. That didn't last long, it just drew attention. I still couldn't move either finger in the first two joints and not very well in the knuckle. So it felt like it just stuck out there for anyone to look at. I knew it wasn't that bad or noticeable but I still felt exposed.
My middle finger had stitches and so did my boob and it came time, soon after surgery, that we had to change more bandages.
In that I was taken aback.
More
Surgery 4
Start from the beginning
It was time! finally to release my finger from the bondage of my boob!!
I was nervous, but sooo ready. After three weeks I would be able to move! But I would also have to look at the damage
We were beginning to feel like pros as we went through the surgery process again. Donna came. She was the vitals/vampire on duty through two of the other surgeries and I liked her. She liked me too. I was humming when she came in and asked if she wanted me to sing to her. I did. I sang Down in the Valley and she said she would come hear me sing any time.
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It was time! finally to release my finger from the bondage of my boob!!
I was nervous, but sooo ready. After three weeks I would be able to move! But I would also have to look at the damage
We were beginning to feel like pros as we went through the surgery process again. Donna came. She was the vitals/vampire on duty through two of the other surgeries and I liked her. She liked me too. I was humming when she came in and asked if she wanted me to sing to her. I did. I sang Down in the Valley and she said she would come hear me sing any time.
More
Work
Start from the beginning
I was so looking forward to going back to my measly little 2 meeting per week job as a discussion leader. A co-worker had been covering my 2 meetings each week for me and I had been out 4 and a half weeks. I was to have surgery on Tuesday to cut the graft away and seal the incisions in my finger and breast. I was determined to go back to work the next night for 2 hours. Tim tried to talk me through all the senarios and make sure I was thinking clearly but still, although it was surgery it really came down to stiches and I had felt well enough to work after the last surgery so I felt it would be safe to go back to work, and It would have been.
I was doing my planning on Monday night so that it would be done before my "cut-away" surgery when I got a call from my boss. An hour went by on the phone with her thinking thoughts like "What more can this accident take away from me" and some thoughts I said out loud "It sounds like I cut my finger off so your taking my meeting away" I didn't understand, and still don't. In an effort to get a grasp I sat down and wrote, but only ended up with a list of contradictions that she made in her argument to demote me. Tears Fell. But in the end the result was the same I would not return to work that Wednesday or any more Wednesdays in the future. My job had been cut in half.
Our conversation ended with my insistence that my members know it was not my decision not to come back. I was terrified to think that they would feel abandoned. I learned later that her promise to do so was not honored.
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I was so looking forward to going back to my measly little 2 meeting per week job as a discussion leader. A co-worker had been covering my 2 meetings each week for me and I had been out 4 and a half weeks. I was to have surgery on Tuesday to cut the graft away and seal the incisions in my finger and breast. I was determined to go back to work the next night for 2 hours. Tim tried to talk me through all the senarios and make sure I was thinking clearly but still, although it was surgery it really came down to stiches and I had felt well enough to work after the last surgery so I felt it would be safe to go back to work, and It would have been.
I was doing my planning on Monday night so that it would be done before my "cut-away" surgery when I got a call from my boss. An hour went by on the phone with her thinking thoughts like "What more can this accident take away from me" and some thoughts I said out loud "It sounds like I cut my finger off so your taking my meeting away" I didn't understand, and still don't. In an effort to get a grasp I sat down and wrote, but only ended up with a list of contradictions that she made in her argument to demote me. Tears Fell. But in the end the result was the same I would not return to work that Wednesday or any more Wednesdays in the future. My job had been cut in half.
Our conversation ended with my insistence that my members know it was not my decision not to come back. I was terrified to think that they would feel abandoned. I learned later that her promise to do so was not honored.
More
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