Fire

It's funny how God teaches us. A few days ago I blogged about how I don't understand God's perfect love and don't believe I ever will. Today, just the opposite. I don't understand God's tolerance. Lot's of books have been written on why bad things happen to good people. I have never read any of them. After a day like today however, I don't think it could really help.

I am the chapter head for the Central Texas Threads of Love, a national organization of people who sew clothes for babies in the hospital who are sick, premature, or have died unexpectedly. It is a place I can be God's hands. I am a good sewer, and feel this is a need I can fill. But I will never understand why babies die. There have been three times I have been personally contacted because of a death. One of those was today. I am very glad that I can do something small in the face of such tragedy but most of the time I simply drop off the clothes in a big bin at the hospital, the nurses come and pick things up as needed, and I personally don't see or hear from anyone. Hence, I have only had personal calls three times.

Today I came home from work to find three messages about one child. Today, it was the first child of a member of our church. God tells us that it is not his will that any should perish and although He may be speaking eternally, it seems He is very tolerant.

I will go to bed tonight sad, but this young mother will go to bed tonight and never be the same, today will become a part of her that colors who she is. It will also color her relationship with God, for better, worse, or maybe both. So, I wonder why God is so tolerant.

My friends and I are studying Ruth. In Ruth chapter 1 Naomi attributes all of her suffering to God. I don't do that. I attribute my suffering to Satan. I view my suffering as God's tolerance to Satan, sort of the way we see Job suffer and Satan's limits in that story. I don't believe that God does bad things to us. I do believe that we must have sorrow to know joy.

Cancer is a living part of me, even 15 yrs latter. It was awful, but my relationship with God grew from it. It makes me who I am today and I am happy with that. So, if offered the chance to omit that part of my life I would not take it. I think there is a large part of that person whom God needed to fill the Central Texas Threads of Love spot. However, I still don't understand why babies die.

I have faith that God works his purposes in spite of Satan and I will claim that on behalf of this mother. I know that I will never be able to understand a 4th dimensional concept in a 3 dimensional world. I see God's Love and his Tolerance on two extremes when I know it is all part of the whole: the refining fires of God's perfection.

So I pray God's strength for this family as they stand in the incomprehensible heat of the fire.

Refining

Our 9 th anniversary was last Wednesday May 30th. We took a small trip to a city close by, and played off the school year and on the summer. We talked about how much fun we have and how perfect God has made our love. We also tried to imagine what that love would become in the next 9 yrs, 20 yrs, 50 yrs; but we failed miserably. I think there is a part of me that can begin to understand why God cursed the earth and set us down in it, in these sad little packages we call bodies allowing us to continue. We were obviously not ready.

We were not ready for the abundant perfect love of God. We didn't understand it. Without knowing what it was like to not see and walk with God everyday; we took advantage and fell. Without the absence we did not fully appreciate the presence. God is preparing us individually to know. To know His Love, so we will learn to see it, and desire it, and so we will learn not to corrupt it

In my life He does that a lot with Tim. God says to me, "You see Emily, how Tim loves you? I created that! You were made to be married to Me and Tim is a picture of that. As I refine you, your body will fail, because it was not made to handle the weight of perfect love. Sure it can handle Cancer, but Love is bigger than that. Real Love is like a Cancer that consumes all of who you are. It affects everything."

I love that God made Tim my picture. My love for him does affect everything. I hate being away from him, yet I know that we are together even though apart. It is a picture God has given me that I can better understand, when I can't begin to understand God.

Tim left for the Grand Tetons today with his parents for 2 weeks. I miss him already. He is my other half, every thing I am not, he completes me. It will, however, be good for us to remember what its like not being around each other so that we can more fully appreciate each others presence. Less and less I remember life before Tim; where I stop and he starts. Nine years is not a long time but long enough to speculate what that is all about. I think I am growing to realize, our bodies are designed to be refined away as our understanding of love grows, making age simply a byproduct of learning how to love, how to be loved, and what love is. We will not ever fully know as we are known while we are still here. We can learn to love, and be loved maybe, but to know what love really is? Our bodies are too weak, the more we understand, the weaker they get, more refined if you will.

Praying for a long and happy life is common and most know that I am 'whatever' about the long part, but I think God did that on purpose. I can't imagine that my refining process could take as long as others with the beautiful love of my dearest husband by my side. Already, there are those days that I wonder how it could possibly get any deeper and yet it does. God has gifted me with the Love of a lifetime wrapped him in the finest package and called him Tim. So as long as Tim is here give me a long happy life and the three of us will deal with the refining fires of this earth together.

I love you Babe! Happy Anniversary! Have a ball in the Tetons!